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| Sir Fred Rogers, Knight of Children's Television |
5. Fred Rogers, a.k.a. "Mister Rogers"
Every time I smell crayons...I think of the awesome crayon factory segment brought to public TV by the unfortunately named Fred McFeely Rogers. Never was there a more gentle, good natured and completely harmless purveyor of wholesome, educational children's programming.
Ironic for a television icon with over 800 episodes and more than thirty years of programming under his sensible belt, Mr. Rogers hated TV when he first saw it at home. He saw potential for television to be used as a tool for good (not just as a screaming corporate loudspeaker selling an empty lifestyle of indulgence and insecurity...my words, not his) and left seminary school to work in a television station. He was a religious, moral man, and though he left his proselytizing shoes at home, his ethical message of doing good by the world came through loud and clear in his long running program, Mister Rogers Neighborhood.
On the show, Fred had all the makings of the one creepy guy you don't want near your kids...religious upbringing, into puppets, wore cardigans and especially quiet shoes, and created a make-believe land of imagination where he brought kids to watch him play. But Mister Rogers was nevertheless exactly the man who taught more than a few generations of kids to be interested in the world around us, that it was okay to be to be creative and relaxed, how to authentically cope with our fears, and that we should love ourselves and each other. Fuck yeah, Mister Rogers.
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| Bob was a friend to the animals. |
If you were alive in the early Eighties and one or both of your parents were anywhere even slightly left of center, you remember the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. His Beatnik 'fro and stoned smile lovingly graced us with expertly daubed 'happy little trees' across the soft canvas landscapes of Public Television. Charismatic to almost cultish levels, his soft, encouraging words and gentle enthusiasm for painting nature made each 28 minute episode a meditation on creative expression.
Irony abounds in the bowels of public television, and Bob Ross was no exception. He served 20 years in the military as a medical records staffer, and claimed to be the kind of guy who yelled A LOT. So much so that after his military career was over, he vowed never to yell again. And it is really hard to picture the dulcimer-voiced artist we know and love freaking out and screaming obscenities at peons in some gritty military camp. Actually, it's pretty damn funny to picture that.
Bob's happy little trees and calm abiding mountains may never be auctioned by Sotheby's, but he taught a simple technique that anyone could learn with a bit of practice. And even more so, he made a quiet, happy place on TV where you could simply watch a dude paint. And you didn't know you even needed that.
Why do I still remember Joe Isuzu? He represented, to me, the epitome of the smarmy, not to be trusted brown-noser you avoided at early 80's office parties or who followed you around the pastel adorned gym in loose jogging shorts that covered his balls not-so-much. But for Christs sake, you has to LIKE the guy. David Leisure (why'd they make up a character name, his real one is perfect) played a pathological liar who overinflated how great that year's Izuzu truck or car was, while at the same time making everyone else look like a complete ass-faced moron with how fucking cool he was. The slick, coke addled marketing execs who invented him may not have realized their audience barely noticed the crummy cars as the charming Joe Izuzu finagled his way into our hearts. He was the epic salesman who sold out his own dear mother, caught bullets in his teeth, and insulted an entire nation of Native Americans while grinning like a well-commissioned salesman who just did all of those things. His playfully reprehensible, insultingly unbelievable sales pitches reflected a greedy, morally deficient, sellout, 1980's America back at itself in one of the most scathing allegories of these modern times. You have my word on it.
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| Ernest was...kinda hot...before Ernest. |
Jim Varney, this wonderful cartoon of a man, simultaneously stereotyped and made adorable those Americans unfortunate enough to be from the outer limits of civilization (i.e. The Ozarks, the deeeeep south, or the state of Missouri.) In 1980, the first Ernest commercial was born in front of a handheld camera somewhere near Nashville, to advertise the appearance of the Dallas Cheerleaders at a local amusement park. Soon, dairy farms and natural gas agencies all over the Gulf South were clamoring to have the lovable yokel tell his imaginary friend, Vern, how great their products were on camera. You may first remember him as the star of the Mellow Yellow soda and several car dealership commercials once he made the trek across the states to LA (presumably on the back of the same open-faced roach coach that brought Granny and Jed to Beverley Hills.)
The Ernest character and his catch phrase "KnoWhutImean, Vern?" became so popular amongst kids and Nascar fans that Ernest soon had his own TV show and several low-budget but surprisingly high-grossing movies. At this point, I need to recommend the wildly unpopular "Ernest Goes to Camp" movie, where Ernest is a maintenance man at a summer camp who dreams of someday rising through the ranks to become a counselor. In a nutshell, his infectious Southern enthusiasm and quirky antics earn him the respect of the entire camp, which he ends up saving from an evil corporate takeover. In a pivotal scene replete with Oscar-worthy pathos, Ernest sings himself into the lowest point in the movie with a little song called "Gee I'm Glad It's Raining," because only the rain can hide his tears of sadness at the threat of losing his friends. And there simply is nothing, I tell you, NOTHING sadder than a sad Ernest (except maybe the "Bluebird of Happiness" song by Jim Henson's Big Bird in a much better kids movie, "Follow That Bird"...but I digress.) His goofy but hopelessly lovable naivety and charming characture-osity? make Ernest a steaming number two on my list of outstanding 80's male television personalities.
How does one describe a man whose primary uniform throughout his lifetime was a diamond-studded tank top and matching pair of short short Dolfin shorts? I guess...that pretty much describes him. Richard Simmons was and is a funny, flamboyant, family friendly, not-openly-but-obviously gay personality who helped millions of people lose weight in a fun, self-accepting way. He appeared as himself in hundreds of television shows and commercials throughout his three-decade career.
Legend has it that little Milton started out a chubby kid who got picked on a lot back in his home town of New Orleans. When he got to LA in the 70's, he struggled to find a gym for people who weren't already fit, so he opened one himself. He has since written many popular books, had his own tv show, and developed tons of fitness tapes and DVD sets.
Yet, even the sunshiney Simmons has his moments of darkness.
MARCH 25--Richard Simmons was arrested yesterday and charged with assaulting a Harley Davidson salesman during a confrontation at a Phoenix airport. No, that is not a joke. The 54-year-old fitness guru (5' 7", 155 pounds) laid the smackdown on one Chris Farney, a 23-year-old Mesa man (6' 1" and 255 pounds) who happens to cage wrestle in his spare time. According to the below Phoenix Police Department report, when Farney spotted Simmons (whose real first name is Milton) walking through the Sky Harbor International Airport, he said, "Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's." Farney told cops he was referring to an old Simmons workout tape. The diminutive star responded by walking over to the strapping Farney and saying, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then slapped Farney's face. The motorcycle salesman, who was not injured, called cops, who cited an "emotional" and repentant Simmons for assault.
And, he had his own line of dolls, but nevertheless, remains a cheerful, unafraid icon of being true to yourself. For that, Richard Simmons comes in at the top spot in my disjointed little list of the 80's most memorable men. Thanks for playing. <3
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